Hey!

"I'll believe it when I see it." Thanks for the support Pequeña, and yes I am still on track, and I am doing fine, granted, Thursday was very difficult, that fucking snow storm had me snowed in, so I had no distractions, on an average day, I am busy and that doesn't leave a whole lot of possibilities for the hormones to mess up my day, but since I was in my house, by myself, with not a whole lot to do, well.... It was, well, ( and I didn't want to use a pun here, but fuck it ), it was hard, so I needed to focus on other things, which was not at all easy, I did dishes, laundry, all my laundry as a matter of fact, wrote, cleaned up, and watched TV, which was a mistake, because there is always some half naked woman on TV trying to sell you something.
My biggest mistake was to keep watching Nip/Tuck, it is a great show, but it really made things more stressful, on season one Matt has a threesome with two REALLY HOT cheerleaders, I know, poor guy, but I managed, and Friday was OK, today I feel great and the lack of sex is under control, next week , I hit the gym, I have to burn this energy somehow.

How many days and how many nights?

So, I have decided to focus on things around me in a different way, and it is odd how I came up with this decision, but I have decided to put sex way down the list, waaaay down where it just doesn't get in the way, and if nothing of a sexual nature happens, great, I welcome that, I think I really need to focus on people, not that I am a hound dog, but if I really want to build a relationship with someone, then, I need to focus on how much I know the person, how we get a long, and what type of connection we have, I am aware that this might take a while, but things that are good take some investing, and things that are great take a whole lot of effort. So i am putting an effort to focus my attention in different ways, and, if anything, this will be an interesting learning experience, and I am all about that. I wonder how difficult abstinence is on a long term basis, well I know that is isn't easy, but, those dry spells haven't been a conscious decision to grow in other areas, they have just been shitty dry spells, no booty, no fun.
But this is something that feels right, so I guess I am gonna get to know that girl I am interested in, in an interesting way, hhhmmm, this reminds me of that movie "40 days and 40 nights", oh well, let's see what happens.

So, where these people even there?

I was just at a holiday party, for the staff of Governor Bill Owens, and it was a quaint little get together, free booze, and finger food pass around on trays, the decorations in the official residence of the Governor are fantastic, the house in itself is beautiful, but the bullshit that was in the room was astonishing, granted, it was a republican gathering, nothing else is to be expected, but the way they were speaking of Bill Owens' "integrity and morality", all that phony speech of his values and his example as a person. The guy was fucking around with his mistress, he has an illegitimate child, and he is a huge fucking asshole, as a person nobody likes the guy, and everybody is glad he is leaving office. Agh, Republicans.

Scratch that.

No more Crew, at least none that I am interested in investing to much time with, hey shit happens, but the important thing is the lesson learned, so, I learned hypocrisy comes in any package, and that a coward is not the best option for a friend, oh well, not a whole is lost, but now I want a crew, hhhhhmmmm, paradox..... hhhhmmmmm, the search is on, in the mean time a good book is always great company.

Well....

...I really liked the picture that is underneath this post, and I can't fucking set it as my profile picture, stupid blogger won't let me, Ideas?

The Crew

So know I am hanging out with some people from work, I swear, we are a very unusually group, we are all very different, agewise, in our backgrounds, ages even, but somehow we have formed something really cool, we have a nice posse going on, and I honestly never would have seen it coming, but I guess that is why it is such a nice surprise.
Last night I had some really good conversations with the crew, or should I say the Motley Crew, and though there are people that kind of drift in and out, the crew core remains stable, I LOVE IT. Now, if I can just find a girlfriend.

Writer's Block

So what the hell should I write, I honestly don't know, I feel that I have to truly get started writing that story that is at the back of my mind, but I don't know where to start, and I have been procrastinating, because I don't have a computer, and I will be buying one soon, in a month or so I should have one already, a nice notebook by apple, yay, but that doesn't mean I can't start writing now............... I just don't know where to start, and what story to start putting down, I know it will be in English, just because it will be easier to get publish something here in Denver if it isn't in Spanish, ( though, you never know ).
I have a rather dark character in mind for a story, and I am a little concerned that I will have to go to a bad place in my mind, to get the proper fuel for the story, but then again, it is not an autobiography, so, maybe I don't have to, hhhhmmm complicated this life is.
What I do know, is that I need to write something good enough to get published, something that will actually become a book, and as such, it will sell, but I don't even know what way to go. How do I pull this out of my ass? That is the question.
I also have an idea about a pimp, a made up autobiography, or should I say, the biography of a made up character, it is a very peculiar pimp by the way, I got the idea from an ex co-worker, and it is brilliant, thanx "K".
So if you have any suggestions, let me know, ( that includes you Megan ), and hopefully I will have something down soon, later.

Just so you know.

Windows SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in Denver

It is strange to go back "home" when I actually went home for a vacation, I visited the city where I ended my adolescence and entered adulthood, I visited the town I grew up in, and everything was so familiar and yet so different.
Fortunately I was able to see old friends, people I had not seen in ages, people I went to school with, for what seems like forever, forever ago, and I see things getting prettier, getting dirtier, getting bigger, just like us, just like the people the towns and cities are made of, I now am truly aware of the fact that I am a wanderer, that I am neither from here or from there, I guess I am from everywhere. And though it is true that, I have set up base here in Denver, I know it is temporary, I know that as soon as I get a good opportunity, I will leave, Europe calls, Miami awaits, South America is a must, and home, well, home is where the heart is, so I will make the world my home, I am a citizen of the world, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cab

Apparently Denver has one of the worst systems available for dispatching taxis, I waited for a cab for an insane amount of time, so long actually, that I forgot what I had in my mind for this post, FUCK, anyway, a big middle finger to the lame ass system Denver has for its cabs.

Okay, This just made me laugh

It's silly, that is why I like it, so I share it with you guys.

Homecomming

Going home is always exciting and strange, I grew up in a turistic town, and the growth it's had in the last few years is astonishing, the kids are married, the grown ups are now officially old, people are dead, and the tourism is booming, so the international supply for the international demand, has kept up, so of course the amount of specialty everything ( clothing, food, classes ) has increased impressively, but the quantity of girls with great asses doesn't seem to have changed.
I thought globalization would have included that by now, oh well.

You have it all, now have more.

Seriously, there have always been the rich parents that pay for everything that Junior could possibly need, I think that the transition of something to monetary nothing is very valuable in creating a better and stronger character, look at W. Bush, that is a man that has never had a single day of hard labor in his life, and he is ( sadly yet humorously ) running a country, I guess daddy really has a lot of money if he could afford junior the presidency.

Dental Traveling

So to fix some cavities that I have, I would have to pay well over 1200 bucks, and that wasn't even the reason I went to the dentist, I need my wisdom teeth pulled out, and that would pretty much cost me my first unborn child, but ha!, that jokes on them, I'm not even getting laid, hehe, but, the better option is to go back home, and have it all taken care of over there, So I have a plane ticket to Guadalajara, and I am ready to get my teeth exorcised, to bad I won't be able to enjoy the good ol Mexican food as much as I would like to, but, It has to be done, so I will travel for dental care, I wonder if they will give me Morphine, probably not, but I will need SOME KIND of medication, Tequila won't do it for this kind of stuff.

And the night...

Is exquisite company to the existence.
One exists so much more, with you.

Well.....

....I need to write about something, I really don't want all those huge gaps in my blog, but my brain is kinda numb right now, though, I am aware that I need to write an opinion about the world of cinema and the effect and influence it has on peoples lives, this from the Denver perspective, ( it a rather international effort my friend Hernan has come up with, an international blog for the global masses ). Sounds great, but what the hell do I write about? Without a doubt, here in the US, people seems to have a bigger void to fill, and what Jennifer Aniston is wearing, or whatever amount of punchlines "Wedding Crashers" has, seem to fill....Well, no not really, they don't fill the emptiness, but do get quite cozy in there, and seem to be entertaining enough to avoid dealing with the void. This of course is a generalization, but DAMN it is common, it seems that real substance is lost on the masses, and people who are ignorant really need to live the illusion that they are connected to the lives of celebrities, even the pseudo ones, it is very sad indeed, and as common as a tabloid newspaper.

Skin

I managed to get away...
But I can't take off my skin
to shed the horror, the dread,
seems I'm still sweating fear.

The games the mind can play
-games it seems I'll never win-
bringing back the panic... The dead
and it is always crystal clear.

Though I survived... In a way
living tastes just like sin
couldn't heal... So I fled
but I'm stuck in the same gear.

( This is something I wrote for a character in a movie, sadly the project never took off, but t he experience was good. )

I went, but I had to come back

Sometimes we find something that helps to define us, sometimes we will find something that we had no idea was missing, but fits perfectly in to our life just like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle fits flawlessly in the landscape picture cut up into 2000 bits. I am a Capoerista, this is part of what I am now. And just like the beard I am now regrowing, and the color blue I substituted in my early adolescence for the color green, I am now bringing it back full on, Sometimes a change won't do you good, sometimes looking outside of the box just makes you realize that you already have the answer boxed up and ready to go.

24

So...I am aware of my age now more than ever, I can't help being this young, it's not my choice, and I can't speed up the process of becoming old, even though I feel like I am considerably underaged for my persona, I should be 32, or 35, something like that would make more sense, and I don't understand how my age has always been a disadvantage as far as dating, the last woman I had something to do with freaked out when she found out I am twenty four, she thought I was in my thirties, and that in itself was young enough, she is forty, as I said: She freaked out.
I have heard countless times how youth is the best time of one's life, be it childhood, adolescence, or the early twenties, somebody is always saying how those years were amazing, and I don't get it, I do enjoy certain things of being a young adult on my own, but from that to actually think these years rock well, that is a very big leap, and to be honest, I hated puberty, so if it is down hill from here, then I will welcome whatever thrill there is to come, last Friday night I almost got in a car accident twice, in a time frame of less than five minutes, curiously enough I wasn't afraid for myself, not at all, but I was worried for the guy that was driving, anyway, no harm was done.
So now what do I do, I guess the best thing to do is grow up regardless of my age, not that I am an immature person, but I can become 28 or 30 regardless of what my state ID says, first step, regrowing my beard, and this time it will not come off for a very, very long time. I should probably buy a car as well, definitely a computer, but the debate is whether or not should I say my real age. What do you think?

Beat this Caption

"I don't care if your balls are stuck to the ice, I am NOT going to rub them untill they warm up!"

Untitled

Fear of death....Anglisism,
the celebration of the parting,
and invoking the darkness to
surround one's life, one's breath,
one's soul, one's pain, one's death.
For what?... For living,
for breathing, healing, re-living.
If your whole life passes
before your eyes in an instant,
then you live a whole life
within a second,
you live twice before
you fade to black.
Die... So you can live,
live.... Before you die.
Purge..... That's what
passing away means,
be drained of toxicity, of
the toxic pain or your being,
and absorb, resuscitate
so the burdens alleviate,
give in to the cycle
so you can be free within it,
exhale to inhale.

How does this make you feel?

It's important that you know this,
it's important that you see
I'm a mess a dumb-fuck idiot,
but hey, it's still me.

May Day Quotes

"Whenever there is a major community movement, especially a major community movement in which local people are participating, there is never any one place that has control over it," said Cecilia Munoz"

“The arguments against [the immigrant community] claim we abuse the economy of this country… And if this is in fact the case, then that day we will see a resurgence of the economy,”

So, are you guys ready...?

This monday there will be a boycott on behalf of the inmigreant population, so there will be several million people on board to send a message: WE ARE HERE, WE ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, AND WE WANT EQUALITY. If this movement reaches the proportions it can potentially reach, then we will be facing something historical of gargantous proportions, and the united States goverment is defenitely gonna have to listen, I am very anxious to see exactly what is going to happen, and the differrent reactions people will have.
Of course the Latin comunity is the leading force behind this, and with so many hispanics all over this country, we are to big of a force to ignore, a lot of people don't know that the nightly news transmitted from Univision has a larger audience that the news shows froms ABC, CBS and NBC combined! And that is every night monday thru friday, no fluke there.
Fortunately it isn't only the Latin community involved, but the asian community, as well as the Muslim, the Black, and the Jewish community are getting on board, and though it is true that the respons from these groups is not unanimous and of 100%, it is still a very large section from their populations, enough to make the message a whole lot louder.
But for now ( friday ), there is no way of knowing what the figures will be, we will just have to wait and see, and we will see...

Redeeming One's self.

Redemption is a bitch, I was always a wonderful person, an example in many ways, but at some point I cracked, I tried to keep it together but failure isn't always a choice, so I crumbled, now I'm on The Long Hard Road out of Hell, vindication is so elusive, but to get back to where I was is not impossible, I have the blue print of what I am to rebuild: Myself, and looking back into my past the instructions are clear, the turning points I remember, there is no better guide to what I want to be, than what I once was...Still...It's the hardest thing I have ever faced, Redemption is a Bitch.

Well, I am Me again...

...Or at least it seems like I am more like what I use to be, haven't played with knives in a while, and getting up in the morning does not involve summoning all my strenght just to get out of bed, it's good being able to enjoy the day, to look foward to something, anything, and not collapsing from within, no questioning the achievement of the breath I just let out and, or the purpose of bothering to go through life, things really are better. And i am getting back in touch with my inner child, I thought I had lost him... Well, "lost" is not the right word...Slaughter is more like it...Butcher, yeah, that's the word I am looking for, but it seems that the child is back, that my inner kid somehow survived, and his laugh is so refreshing, his views, though not as candid, are still full of life, and that is exactly the kind of nurture I am in need of.
So I don't know if I will ever be as close to my good inocent self as I once was, but I hope we can at least reconcile, how do you forgive the piss off grown up that went on a rampage on you and left you for dead?, I hope that kid that lives ( or lived ) in me can figure that out, something great about children is tha they can forgive and forget better than any adult can...I'm sorry...I truly am.

So for the time being...

...My body is in pain, it ha been a while since I have been physically as active as I am now, so my muscles have been upset with me, my ligaments complain every time I go up or down some stairs, but it is worth it, in a couple of months it will all have paid off, until then, I need to keep stretching, Megan, how about a Massage?

What does it take for a personality shift to occur? What I have learned, ( the hard way ), is that it takes a lot, but when it happens it can be catastrophic, just like the tetonic plates adjusting, reforming the face of the Earth, and sending shock waves all over the place, just like that a person can go through the painfull process of reshaping oneself, it is never easy, and and a lot of the times it is not controlable, but the end result is what makes you what you are now, and surviving loneliness, moving to another country, a suicide attempt, a car accident, or having a child are just a few of the hings that can cause our personal Richter Scale to go haywire, and after we clean up the mess, things always look different, because they are.

So here I go...

I have been wanting a little piece of the internet to call my own for a while, I know that it's just a sliver of a particle of the worldwidweb, but hey, it is all mine.
So I am gonna try to pour as much of my personality into this virtual soul-cleansing space, let me know how I am doing, all of you.... Any of you......Anyone?, well, it doesn't have to be right now any way, I guess I will need to post some of my stuff before any thing happens, all right, I'm on it, so let the show begin and let's start.....