Redeeming One's self.

Redemption is a bitch, I was always a wonderful person, an example in many ways, but at some point I cracked, I tried to keep it together but failure isn't always a choice, so I crumbled, now I'm on The Long Hard Road out of Hell, vindication is so elusive, but to get back to where I was is not impossible, I have the blue print of what I am to rebuild: Myself, and looking back into my past the instructions are clear, the turning points I remember, there is no better guide to what I want to be, than what I once was...Still...It's the hardest thing I have ever faced, Redemption is a Bitch.

Well, I am Me again...

...Or at least it seems like I am more like what I use to be, haven't played with knives in a while, and getting up in the morning does not involve summoning all my strenght just to get out of bed, it's good being able to enjoy the day, to look foward to something, anything, and not collapsing from within, no questioning the achievement of the breath I just let out and, or the purpose of bothering to go through life, things really are better. And i am getting back in touch with my inner child, I thought I had lost him... Well, "lost" is not the right word...Slaughter is more like it...Butcher, yeah, that's the word I am looking for, but it seems that the child is back, that my inner kid somehow survived, and his laugh is so refreshing, his views, though not as candid, are still full of life, and that is exactly the kind of nurture I am in need of.
So I don't know if I will ever be as close to my good inocent self as I once was, but I hope we can at least reconcile, how do you forgive the piss off grown up that went on a rampage on you and left you for dead?, I hope that kid that lives ( or lived ) in me can figure that out, something great about children is tha they can forgive and forget better than any adult can...I'm sorry...I truly am.

So for the time being...

...My body is in pain, it ha been a while since I have been physically as active as I am now, so my muscles have been upset with me, my ligaments complain every time I go up or down some stairs, but it is worth it, in a couple of months it will all have paid off, until then, I need to keep stretching, Megan, how about a Massage?

What does it take for a personality shift to occur? What I have learned, ( the hard way ), is that it takes a lot, but when it happens it can be catastrophic, just like the tetonic plates adjusting, reforming the face of the Earth, and sending shock waves all over the place, just like that a person can go through the painfull process of reshaping oneself, it is never easy, and and a lot of the times it is not controlable, but the end result is what makes you what you are now, and surviving loneliness, moving to another country, a suicide attempt, a car accident, or having a child are just a few of the hings that can cause our personal Richter Scale to go haywire, and after we clean up the mess, things always look different, because they are.